Last Sunday was a great day. My former roomate was getting married with the same girl he used to torture me every night with hours-long conversation over phone in our room after I got dumped, I met my old friends and catched up with each other, I ate tons of free food and I made friends with a bunch of strangers I met during and after the wedding. It was odd to call it great day though especially after watching Arsenal and Perak lost their recent league games.

But anyway, here are 5 things I learnt at wedding

1. Gotong-royong is a dying tradition

Gotong-royong or gejobos as the Javanese call it is in fact a dying tradition nowadays. There are no:

1. Buying onions, potatoes, dried chillies, bunga lawang, jintan manis and all those spices from our mom's favorite grocery store.

2. Neighbours who will lend some of their kuali kawah, blender, senduk, stove, chopping board and even their freezer for our mom.

3. Kids in the neighborhood who will be helping our dad sending meals with a talam, cleaning tables and washing dishes for 20 bucks.

4. Makcik-makcik who will come to our house as early as Thursday to start peeling the onions, potatoes and cleaning the chickens and the beef.

It's sad really because remember how we used to write essays like 'Kepentingan Semangat Gotong-Royong' back in primary school and we were writing how the spirit of gotong-royong is best displayed in wedding?

2. Traditional food couldn't be more scarcer.

Back in the olden days, tapai pulut was the top delight of any traditional Javanese meal. I'm not even talking about tapai ubi. Tapai ubi is more like the uglier brother of tapai pulut. It tastes awfully sour, the texture is bland and it looks like baby food and to make it even worse, it is often packed in plastic case.

I went to many weddings (especially Javanese weddings) in pursuit of the sweet and sour taste of tapai pulut but to no avail. It all make sense. How in the world would the catering company prepare tapai pulut for a wedding? No, they can't.

Now, tapai pulut is in danger to extinct - just like Malayan tiger, keroncong band and discette. Even the best slices of original Sunkist oranges, Californian apples, corn pudding, sirap lengkong and tapai ubi won't match with the worst tapai pulut, I give you that.

3. Wedding makes you question yourself

Wedding gives you a harsh reality check. You would be happy for them first, but as soon as you are back to your normal, single life you wonder if you would find 'the one'. You wonder if you'd get to meet her before your belly become more and more similar to your dad's (unless your dad happened to have a nice flat, muscular abs). You wonder if she's pretty as you would imagined. You wonder if you should be dating instead of stalking on some random chicks in another wedding that isn't yours.

4. Getting in touch with your roots

Nowadays, young generations are not very keen to practise their descendant's tradition. The Kayans are no longer wearing their neck coils, the people from aborigine tribes are no longer storing their ancestor corpes in a case and the Javanese and Banjar youngsters are no longer speaking the languange.

I gotta say, my Javanese is still not very impressive. I could speak in a specific occasion, but not in a daily conversation. Whenever I find myself speaking in Malay instead of Javanese to another older Javanese at a wedding, I feel ashamed. I feel like I'm the douchebag that speaks fake Cockney accent in Adibah Noor's taxi in a Hari Raya TV ad (remember?). So, from now on I will take initiative to learn Javanese so that I could speak and curse in Javanese like a Majapahit sailor.

I'm not one to talk about fashion but what happened last Sunday was not a coincidence. Almost every guy in the the wedding (aside of the bride and his bridesmaid of course) were wearing flannel shirt as if we were in Sonic Youth's concert. Few years ago (especially during early 90's), everyone is wearing a flannel shirt to almost everywhere. But since the decline of grunge music, flannel shirt become kinda like something an oldfag would wear. But I guess it's coming back now.

If you're bored to death in a wedding, try counting flannel shirts instead of sheeps.

Bila bercakap pasal feminisme, orang yang jumud akan bercakap pasal Amina Wadud dan makcik-makcik di Sisters in Islam. Intelligent people talk about ideas. Average people talk about things. Small people talk about other people. Idea asal feminisme adalah untuk membebaskan wanita daripada fungsi konvensional mereka dalam sosio-ekonomi masyarakat yang mereka diami.

Sejak zaman-berzaman, tugas konvensional wanita adalah membesar dengan normal, belajar skil di dapur, berkahwin, beranak sampai badan jadi gemuk, jaga anak, memasak untuk seisi rumah dan jaga suaminya yang menunggu masa untuk mati.

Hal ni tak jadi masalah sampailah suami mereka yang maskulin balik rumah dengan mood tak tentu hala belasah bini kerana bininya membebel suaminya duduk terkangkang depan TV, letak baju dan singletnya bersepah-sepah, letak barang kerja bersepah-sepah lepas balik kerja. Esok paginya, si suami membebel kat mana bininya letak tali pinggangnya padahal semalam balik kerja dia yang letak bersepah-sepah. Bila bininya menjawab, si suami menjerit 'awak yang duduk rumah 24 jam!'.

Idea perkahwinan adalah perkongsian hidup antara dua manusia. Even dalam Islam sendiri pun tak menyatakan hanya isteri sahaja yang patut memasak dan menjaga anak. Dalam perkahwinan yang ideal, semua tugas perlu dikongsi sama-rata dari memasak, menjaga anak, membunuh lipas di dapur sehinggalah mencari nafkah.

Idea perkahwinan di mana isteri hanya perlu tinggal di rumah, jadi permaisuri dan jaga harta rumah adalah ideal kalau si isteri berkahwin dengan anak raja. Isteri anak raja ada dayang-dayang yang akan menyanyikan lagu tradisional Melayu setiap kali dia gembira atau sedih. Isteri orang kebanyakkan perlukan kawan-kawan setiap kali mereka gembira atau sedih. Dan kawan-kawan tak mungkin diperolehi kalau mereka duduk terperuk di rumah.

Malangnya, setelah pemikirannya diracuni rancangan Nona yang kerap menayangkan perkahwinan anak raja dan artis, ramai perempuan Melayu berfikir satu hari mereka boleh menjadi permaisuri.

Si suami yang mahukan isterinya duduk rumah memujuk isteri mereka dengan kata-kata manis, merayu mereka untuk menjadi 'permaisuri' di rumah mereka. Alasan mereka lagi, 'abang cemburu kalau ada jantan lain tengok kamu'. Itulah sebab Islam suruh bini kau tutup aurat, you jackasses.

Gua tak nak lah jadi buzz killer kan, tapi dukacita gua maklumkan kepada wanita Melayu yang bukan berketurunan raja semua, ilusi hidup sebagai permaisuri adalah sangat tak praktikal. Sebagai rakyat marhaen yang mangkat tak dijulang, korang bukan dan takkan jadi permaisuri.

Ini mengingatkan gua untuk mengharamkan buku cerita Cinderella, Beauty and The Beast sekiranya gua ada anak perempuan kelak. Gua akan gantikan dengan buku cerita Aung San Suu Kyi, Amelia Eanhart dan Marie Curie.

Prolog

Gua belajar dari Barney Stinson, kalau gua nak jadi pekerja yang indispensable kepada majikan, gua kena ada identiti unik sendiri. Satu identiti yang memisahkan gua dengan pekerja lain. Dalam episod tu, Barney memberi contoh 'Food Guy' seperti yang dilakukan oleh seorang pekerja yang selalu membawa makanan kepada rakan sekerja.

Jadi, bos dan rakan sekerjanya memanggilnya the 'Food Guy'. Dan sememangnya dia pekerja yang indispensable. Kalau dia dipecat, siapa yang nak bagi makan free?

Bab 1: Mencari Identiti

Gua cuba mempraktikkan nasihat Barney di tempat kerja gua. Di ofis, gua tak boleh jadi the Food Guy kerana gua boleh bangkrap dengan hampir 7 orang bekerja di ofis gua untuk diberi makan. Gua hampir buntu memikirkan identiti apa yang gua nak jadi.

Gua cuba menjadi the Encyclopaedia Guy. Setiap kali bersembang dengan rakan sekerja, gua cuba selitkan fun fact bagi setiap topik yang disembangkan. As it turns out, nobody likes a smartass. Gua dah jadi macam Buzzkill pulak dah. 

Tengah depa sedap-sedap mengutuk bos gua yang (seorang wanita Cina 30-an) memang suka multitask (sebab dia suka buat 2-3 kerja pada satu-satu masa), gua memberitahu adalah normal bagi perempuan untuk multitask sebab shaft yang menghubungkan hemisfera kanan dan kiri otak yang dipanggil corpus collasum lebih tebal di otak perempuan berbanding lelaki. Maka sebab itulah perempuan boleh memasak 2 lauk sambil bergosip sambil menjaga anak sambil membebel.

Oh God, I should've known.

Bab 3: Pencarian Identiti Lagi

Gua terus cancel jadi Encyclopaedia Guy. Jadi, gua terpaksa mencari identiti yang baru. Oh, boy.

Satu hari, semasa gua sedang berehat-rehat sambil cuba mencatat rekod terpantas Minesweeper, seorang akak datang menyapa gua. Dari sapaan, kami bersembang panjang. Entah macam mana, dia boleh bercerita tentang suaminya yang liat nak berhenti rokok. Dari cerita liat berhenti rokok, akak tu melencong ke masalah suaminya yang jeles pasal gaji akak tu lagi besar dari gaji suaminya. 

Gua dengar, dengar, sengih sikit-sikit, angguk sikit-sikit, gelak sedas-dua, bagi cadangan mana yang perlu dan bila gua dah tak tahan, gua mintak izin nak pergi jamban.

Bab 5: Identiti Baru

Esoknya, akak tu datang cerita kat gua pasal gurau-senda antara dia dan suaminya pulak. Bila dia bercerita pasal gurau-senda, biadaplah kalau gua tak gelak. Jadi, gua gelaklah mana yang patut.

Esoknya lagi, akak yang lain pulak cerita pasal pengalaman dia berkapel dengan bekas pakwenya. Habis cerita pakwe pertama, cerita pakwe kedua pulak. Kemudian pakwe ketiga. Gua dengar sampai gua terpaksa buat simulation project gua di rumah.

Esok-esoknya lagi, akak yang lain pulak datang bercerita kat gua pasal pakwenya yang menggatal dengan perempuan lain. Kemudian dia bercerita pasal zaman remajanya yang tak pakai tudung, pakai ketat-ketat semua.

Epilog

Semalam di inbox FB gua.

Guys, this is Farahin's message. She sent it to me yesterday. And guess what, she's married! Haha! Got married so fast eh? Told you. And she's now a teacher and her husband is a teacher too. Good for her. I wish the best for both of 'em.

And to answer you guys, a day after my 'confession' in front of the class, as far as I could remember, Elly still come to the class. But she never spoke to me again. And yes Razman, I didn't pursue my feeling to the extend of wanting to be Farahin's boyfriend because A) it's stupid. It's just a crush. God help me if kids understand what love is and B) I'm a born loser. Bukan aku dah bagitau ke?

In response to this great story, I'm gonna tell mine in an excruciating detail.

Unlike her, I remember clearly my first crush story. Chris Rock had once said it's called 'crush' because you're the one who're getting crushed. And that's exactly what I got back then. I got crushed.

It was back when I was 8. Every weekdays from 2-6 pm, I had to go to 'sekolah agama'. One thing I love about this sekolah agama is its long break hour. And during this recess period, we would always play. Playing cop tiang, polis sentri, galah panjang. You name it. Sometimes, I crashed the girls' lompat-lompat getah punya game too!

But, amongst all I have always loved galah panjang. I was a regular player. We used to play galah panjang on a badminton court that is located in front of our class. And because it was so close to our class, the girls would sit around, eat their meals and look (and sometimes cheer) at us boys while we were rocking the galah panjang game.

And one of our regular 'fans' was Farahin. She was in my class. She was one of the most pro-active students in our class besides me. We used to ask our ustazah a lot of questions while she was teaching. But we were lucky to have a lovely ustazah who would put up with our bullshit questions about Fekah, Siroh and Akhlak.

Unfortunately for me, Farahin attended different 'sekolah pagi' than me. So, I had to go to sekolah agama every day to see her. I just had to. She wasn't the prettiest girl (but in my eyes she was a goddess) in the class, but she was one the brightest kids in my class. And, she was nice to me too.

My oh my. Come to think about it again, I always have a thing for smart girls.

Anyhoo, during this time too, the girls in my class dah pandai-pandai menggatal dah. During recess, when they were having their girl talk, they would ask each one of 'em who they like the most in class. And they freaking wrote it on a book! 

So, one day after my usual galah panjang game, as soon as I enter the class, the girls told me that Elly liked me. FYI, Elly was like the cutest and smallest girl in my class. And all the girls cheered like we were getting married or something. Cewah cewah. Pewwit Pewwit.  Elly dah tersipu-sipu malu. 

Goodness me. This shit is serious, I thought. At that time, I felt like there is only one thing left to do.

"Tapi aku suka Farahin.."

There you go. I said it out loud in front of the class. The class went mental. The pewwit pewwit went up so loud as I slowly look at Elly's crushed face. Farahin looked astonished. But as I walked to my desk in the midst of crazy cheers in my class, I swear I could see a little smile at the tip of Farahin's lip. 

p/s: That was freaking 14 years ago. It was a stupid thing to do. And I don't even know where on earth these two girls are now. Probably happily married. Maybe not. I don't know. The thing with Farahin was over of course. But I'd admit I still have a thing for smart girls. Not genius-smart. More like street smart like Tina Fey. Hahaha.

And yeah, tell me your 1st crush story pulak.

"Dude, lu nak kuar makan tak ahad malam?"

"Bro, agak-agak tak buat apa tu kita gi tengok wayang la amacam?"

"Dude, jamming minggu ni kita orang bayar. Lu belanja canai je. Amacam?"

"Dude, nak tengok Arsenal kalah tak esok?"

Persahabatan lelaki. 4 tahun lepas jarang-jarang gua dapat mesej macam ni.

I need you guys to help me with this problem. I've been wrecking my brain trying to get the bottom of this but I just can't get it right.

My ex wanted me to return all of my stuffs that she'd given to me while we were dating. All the birthday cards, anniversary cards, letters and her personal pictures. I would happily return the pictures but the birthday cards?? Really? 

She explained that getting back that stuffs is part of her 'getting over me' processes. That's exactly what baffles me much. Somehow, she needs that stuffs (which practically are my stuffs since she gave 'em all as a GIFT) and burn them all to the ground to get over me. I think that is just plain crazy and insane.

The social convention of gift giving is practically simple.When you present a gift to someone, acceptance is assumed, unless they actually, physical or vocally, reject it. But since I accepted it, it becomes my property. And as a result, a gift given and accepted cannot legally be revoked by the giver.

Here's my points:

1. Well it's not exactly my intention to cling on her by not getting rid of her stuffs. It's just when I give 'em all to her, it's like the past 4 years of my life was all for nothing. 

2. At least, when I have the all the letters and cards I knew I made a girl happy. I knew that I made her feel special. 

3. It was kind of my testimonial of how well I was doing for the past 4 years. That I'm a hell of boyfriend (ha ha ha).

4. Who would revoke someone's birthday card? It's just plain crazy.

4. AND, if there is one person who I feel is qualified enough to tell me to get rid of these stuffs, it would be my next girlfriend. Not my ex.

Honestly, I don't like my chances on this one knowing that majority of my blog readers are female. But, I do think I have some valid points to defend my stance. You guys are the jury. If the majority roots for me, the letters and cards stay with me. But if they don't,  I would totally give 'em all back to her.

Now, if you guys will excuse me I'm gonna sleep this off and let Pete and Carl heal my wound.

Being in a relationship is kinda like being in a band. Mula-mula, kita masuk je band entah apa jadah sebab kita fikir, yang penting kita dapat main muzik dan mengutip pengalaman. Bila dah lama lepak sama, kita akan nampak belang sebenar band mates kita. Then, masa ni la cabaran untuk kekalkan cohesion antara band mates kita bermula.

Gua suka idea brader gitaris/gila-babi-tinggi/belajar-di-UK/kacak/bijak-nak-mampus aka reverie malaya ni. Dalam satu entri brader ni, dia menterjemahkan dinamik hubungan antara lelaki dan perempuan dengan satu graf. Malangnya, brader ni tak lukis pulak graf tu. Jadi gua lukis la graf ni khas untuk pembaca-pembaca yang jenis visual learner.

Dalam hubungan lelaki dan perempuan, akan tiba satu masa dimana kita akan rasa annoyed (terganggu@menyampah?) atau mungkin marah dengan pasangan kita meskipun benda tu kecik. Masa fasa suka sama suka, benda tu kita tak nampak/pura-pura tak nampak sebab kita dibutai oleh sindrom 'wow-minah/mamat-ni-hot-la!'. Tapi tidak lagi bila hubungan sampai di fasa post-kapel/kawin.

Masa ni kita akan akan tau yang dia minat Justin Bieber. Masa ni la kita tau yang dia ni pengotor, pakai jeans tak basuh sebulan. Masa ni kita tau dia percaya Justin Bieber adalah lelaki walaupun hakikatnya Justin Bieber ni faggot. Masa ni kita tau dia tak pandai masak nasik. Masa ni kita tau dia beraspirasi nak anak 10 orang. Masa ni kita tau dia suka nyanyi lagu baby, baby, baby oh baybey...

Bila nak nampak belang, kita ada dua pilihan. Berterus terang dan bergaduh atau berdiam diri dan biarkan rasa menyampah tu membukit menggunung sampai meletup. Bila dah bergaduh atau meletup, kita ada pilihan lagi. Resolve our differences and start finding a common ground or we part ways.

Berbalik kepada simile ciptaan gua. Being in a relationship is kinda like being in a band. Lu orang kenal The Ramones? Bagi gua, this godfather of punk music is the perfect example of how to resolve our differences. Vokalisnya, Joey Ramone dan gitaris, Johnny Ramone adalah dua individu yang sangat kontra. They were always at opposite ends in every aspect of life.

Joey merupakan seorang yang ultra-liberal, ada je benda nak protes kat kerajaan, sentiasa melihat politik sebagai suatu yang corrupted. Manakala Johnny seorang yang ultra-konservatif, sentiasa sokong kerajaan, dari zaman Reagen sehinggalah zaman Bush Sr (bapak GW Bush). Nak tambah spice kat permusuhan mereka, Johnny curi awek Joey; Linda dan kahwin dengan Linda. Joey punya frust sampai banyak lagu dia cipta termasuklah yang paling notable, The KKK Took My Baby Away untuk menceritakan kesedihannya bila Linda tinggalkannya. 

Thay have 'the fix' of being The Ramones. Whenever they were performing as The Ramones, they'd just forget the differences and numb the pain of their differences by throwing a super kick-ass live show. Joey would sing the songs with his trademark hiccups and Johnny would play his guitar with super fast strumming style.

With 'the fix', Joey was not some loser who lost a girl and Johnny was not some bastard who stole Joey's girl. They were Joey Ramone and Johnny Ramone. 

So, lu orang dah jumpa 'the fix' dalam hubungan lu orang belum?